Should we "Do the Dew"?

Mountain Dew, it will kill dissolve your teeth in 4 minutes and kill your sperm count faster than Tom Cruises jean shorts in Top Gun. However, do we ever wonder about the benefits of the Dew?

Well, honestly, all of us have to pick and choose between the good and bad of products on the market today. Is it alright to use lipstick that has been tested on cute fuzzy animals? What about leather? If I buy a Hummer will I be responsible for ripping a hole in the fabric of space and time with my carbon footprint? Possibly.

However, we should also realize that we are minute in comparison to the grand scheme of things, and chances are that 4 mpg is not going to save Shamoo from the melting polar ice caps. So its safe to consider that an occasional indulgence into the "no no" zone may be permitted.


A recent experience of mine has led me to believe that sometimes...bad is good. Think of it from the argument, "its all perspective". I understand the cons of drinking mountain dew, that is cannot possibly be any good for me, and that the calories themselves will cause more rolls than an overworked french bakery, but its not all bad. Recently I have found myself in a position where I, for the life of me, cannot get the motivation to 'go go go'. As anyone who knows me can attest, I am the pure extract of unnerving ADHD; so the recent trough that I find myself in is rather unnerving. I attribute it to the fact that finals are around the corner for me and I have a lot of stressful things on my mind.

Therefore, when I came to school one fine day, I decided to indulge my senses and buy two 22 oz. Mountain Dews from the cafe on the bottom floor of the building. The first of which was half gone within the 5 minutes of waiting for class to begin (have I mentioned that I don't believe in 'tasting' anything, some call it being a slob, I like to call it a challenge).

Already I could sense a change in attitude, whether it be the placebo effect of knowing that I am injecting pure caffeine into my blood stream, or the effects of not having high concentration caffeine products for a long time, either way I was shaking. I also noticed though, that my attention to the topics at hand were profoundly increased.

Within the hour of class I had finished the rest of my Mountain Dews and I had been ready for my next class right after.

The next class, math, was just as exhilarating as my previous class was.

(If you are easily provoked by unnecessary language then please skip this next paragraph)

Right afterwards, however, I proceeded to rush to the restroom and fear for my life as demons of all shapes and sized proceeded to exit my rectum with increasing speed. At one moment I thought I had shit my small intestine and all the while I was recanting the chant from Amity ville Horror. "May the power of christ compel you, may the power of christ compel you!" Once finished I left the stall with sweat beading my brow and a sense of horror that disturbed me to the core, and like everyone else who has had a similar experience, I swore off Mountain Dew.

Though that experience was quite terrifying, and I swore never to drink Mountain Dew again, the next day, like a lab rat who is soon to be discarded for enjoying the Shock button instead of the Cheese button, I proceeded to purchase two more Mountain Dews.

Does this mean i am a glutton for punishment? No, I merely weighed the pro and cons of that particular day and knew that I would rather suffer the consequences than sit there without anything to keep me attentive.

Which brings me to my point. Does our fear of the negative affects of common day products keep us from indulging? No. Is it our addiction based on chemical need of said products that keeps us buying them then? No. We all see our own pros and cons in our crazy roller coaster lives.

The only advice needing to be given out? Moderation, too much of a good thing CAN turn it into a bad thing. Modest amounts will prevent this and allow us to enjoy the benefits, as little as people claim they are.